Other clients and friends of mine have had it even tougher—usually because they’re female or the unmarried one in the family, and they knew their straws were pre-picked. My own team member was forced to stop work to take care of her grandmother, as she was a nurse and single. I’ve also heard of so many C-level women or top level female managers quitting their jobs as they were either pressured or felt obligated to be the caregiver of their elderly relatives instead of hiring a professional. 

If you do the calculations, the people being made to quit their jobs are often in their 40s or 50s. It is very unlikely that with that seniority and at that age, they would easily be able to go back to getting a similar pay or position. Often, their career effectively comes to an end once they choose to take on the role of a caregiver. 

It is costlier on a woman with a thriving career to give it up. Firstly, she could be replaced with a helper, but secondly, the fact that she might not be able to get back a similar role means that she may not be able to pay to build for her own retirement fund if she quits to become a caregiver. Opportunity cost is often miscalculated in the midst of emotional decisions. Often, these are made by women.

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What is sad though, is that many women are not trained or equipped to take on such a caregiving role. It is not as simple as helping a parent with their ADLs (activities of daily living like toileting, showering, feeding, and so on). If it were an only child who was male in that position, he probably would have chosen to hire a helper—assuming the parent wants to stay at home, of course. 

If we think that through, it means that the female counterpart in a similarly senior role who chose instead to be a caregiver, could have also been replaced by a helper. This frees her up to continue enjoying her career and earning an income for her own retirement while her parent or parents receive care from a professional.

Assisted living offers the elderly something that often their own children can’t offer at home—a community of peers to help the senior age meaningfully.

There are people trained to spend time speaking to them so they feel heard. Care for a senior goes beyond helping them in the toilet or feeding them while they spend nearly all their time at home. There are many conditions that need to be observed, nutrition that needs to be balanced, physiotherapy with equipment that can help maintain muscle conditions so they don’t become frail and risk falls. 

Furthermore, facilities are now luxurious spaces, some in hotels, with meals catered according to dietary needs and a whole team of nurses and caregivers and other professionals who are trained. This pales in comparison to home care, which usually relies on one helper to do everything that a team in an assisted-living facility is hired to do. Naturally, one offers significantly better quality of life and quality care than the other.

I speak as someone going through this right now, as I am my ageing mother’s sole caregiver.

If you want to offer quality of life to your parents, nothing beats professional care. How do you do this meaningfully and respectfully?

Choose a team or provider that partners with you to do the professional care while you offer emotional support to your parent. Trust the process. They will settle down in the community, meet friends and slowly start to enjoy a life that offers full-assistance and in an enjoyable environment.

When they check in, visit regularly or schedule in time and text or call them often. Also give them assurance that they can leave anytime. Introduce them to the team caring for them. And don’t leave them out of the decision-making process. If they see you often enough, or you take them home occasionally while keeping the lines of communication open, it is often no different from living apart in different homes or countries. When I was working overseas, the arrangement was not dissimilar to this. 

This division between hard physical labour and care versus emotional support allows us to give the latter without feeling forced—as we know, caregiver burnout is real and can sometimes stem from the senior wanting more or still being dissatisfied after we’ve quit our jobs to be their primary caregiver. Ask a mental health professional and you might realise this setup is unhealthy for both parent and child. A respite is always necessary.

Also, consider such care only when the older person starts to need assistance, not just because they’re old. This way, the costs are better managed.

Start to explore assisted-living options with your parent(s) to understand what they offer. If you both come to a conclusion that you cannot do it alone, even with a helper, or at home, then it is easier to accept and understand why such services exist.

Many Asian nations, including Malaysia, will soon be ageing societies. As such, we all should educate ourselves on what is available. Anyone reading this who is considering care is also at an age where wise decisions need to be made both for our own future as well as that of our parents.

Money is another huge resource that needs to be addressed. Often, we reject proper care thinking that it is very costly. Family can misunderstand the concept of an asset, for example, the family home that the older person is living in. The asset in this case should be used to get good and proper care instead of saving it to pass down to the next generation. In fact, the family home is often only left to the male children instead of the female child who in all likelihood has taken care of them. My own maternal grandmother did that to her children—only the men inherited the home while the women (my aunts) were the ones taking care of her. Unlock the value of the asset—if not it becomes a liability.

Overall, I am hopeful, particularly given the changing trends we’ve seen with childcare, and postpartum or confinement care services in Malaysia as well as further afield. It is just a matter of time until society is able to accept the products and services available for senior living and care. The pressures of rising living costs might encourage more women to refrain from quitting their jobs, while better products offer acceptable solutions. Have these conversations early, but plan the approach carefully so it is one of learning and exposure rather than force.

An investor, award-winning entrepreneur and eldercare social designer, Anna Chew is the founder and CEO of ReU Living, a fully-operational luxury senior-living facility in Penang and Kuala Lumpur. As a Khazanah Impact Innovation Challenge recipient, she advocates for more innovation in the oft-overlooked eldercare space.

This story is part of Front & Female’s series She Speaks, through which we aim to drive open, inclusive and unfiltered conversations tackling the sensitive topics that impact women.

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