Malissa Sander shares how after a traumatic birth and a battle with postpartum depression, movement and the courage to seek help allowed her to reclaim her role as a mother and share her journey with others
My son, Enzo, was born a month early via emergency C-section. He was whisked away to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) as soon as he was delivered. I didn’t even have a chance to see him. He remained in the NICU for nine long nights and days.
When the sedation wore off after the operation, all I remember feeling was darkness. The hospital staff took me back up to my private, spacious room, and I lay there and cried for hours.
As Enzo was in the NICU, I couldn’t have a normal breastfeeding experience. I had to pump and send milk to him multiple times a day. Worse than this, I felt totally disconnected from my own child, so much so that I didn’t even want to go and see him. And for a few days, I didn’t. It was as if my body and mind hadn’t yet understood that I had given birth to another child.
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It was as if my body and mind hadn’t yet understood that I had given birth to another child.
I knew I was suffering from postpartum depression from the moment I lay in that hospital room after my delivery. I had also had a C-section with my first child, Rafaela, albeit a scheduled one, and had felt nothing but calm after the delivery. With Enzo, the feeling after delivery was the polar opposite: a black haze of overwhelm, despair and helplessness.
Soon after the birth, a battle began with my Ob-Gyn. I wanted to reduce the amount of painkillers I was on. I was convinced that the high dosage of strong painkillers that I was being given was totally unnecessary and was also contributing to the blackness that surrounded me. I managed to persuade the staff to provide a lower-strength painkiller and felt fine.
I didn’t have a strong support system at home. Thankfully, my Ob-Gyn had an in-house maternal psychologist, who came to see me shortly after I delivered. There is no question I owe so much of my recovery to her. Dr Silvia Wetherell was a turning point for me—she made me feel heard and understood, giving me clarity in the chaos.
I had a very difficult and abusive childhood, and had suffered anxiety, depression and anorexia nervosa in my teens. However, it had been almost twenty years since I had experienced any kind of depression. Back then, I had built myself back through movement. I knew that once I could exercise again (the general recommendation for re-starting exercise is six weeks post surgery/birth), I would start feeling better.
